


Cut

by ZeEpicFangirl



Series: One-Shots [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awesome Bobby, Bad Parent John, Cutting, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Human AU, M/M, Protective Gabriel, Understanding Gabriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 20:34:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3909730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeEpicFangirl/pseuds/ZeEpicFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam has a lot of guilt built up inside of him and it's up to his roommate Gabriel to help him through it. (Warning for Cutting and Depression.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cut

**Author's Note:**

> *trigger warning for cutting and violence*
> 
> This was a request from I-am-superwhomarvellocked off of Tumblr. I hope this fits your expectations. I could have made this into a chapter fic but I have other stuff I'm working on. I may come back to it however. Sorry it jumps around so much I just felt that it would take a long time for all this to happen so in the end this spans over around a year.

**_"If you walk out that door, don't you come back. You're betraying us Sam."_ **

**_"How can you choose some stupid school over us? Over me? Forget it Sam. Just go. I don't want your excuses."_ **

**_"Come on Sam! You know I'm not that much of a lightweight. Just let me drive…"_ **

Sam had tears falling down his cheeks as he pictured all the people he's failed. His dad, Dean, and… And oh god how could he have let Jo get behind the wheel. She deserved to live. She and his brother were so happy together. Sam was nothing but a murderer. First, his mother died saving him from a house fire, then he let his brother's girlfriend behind the wheel drunk and got both her and her mother killed, then he left his brother and father alone for his own selfish desires. He opened his eyes slowly as he dragged the razor across his thigh first. Two slashes for his mother, one for Jo. Then he moved to his arm and added three more cuts for his father and brother. He was shaking with sobs when he finished but it made him feel better. He deserved worse than this but he couldn't kill himself. That'd be just like running away, plus it'd make his mother's death in vain. A loud knocking sounded on the bathroom door.

"Yo Sam-a-lam hurry it up in there princess. I need to shower before work and your hair really doesn't take that much styling." A chipper voice called and Sam could almost hear the smile in his voice. Sam hurried to clean up carefully wrapping his cuts and making sure there was no blood to be found before opening the door and giving his roommate a grin.

"Just because you spend two hours doing your hair doesn't mean I do Gabe. I was just shaving." Sam lied while plastering on a fake smile. Gabriel's normally carefree attitude usually put Sam at ease. He was glad that the short golden eyed man had offered to split an apartment with him even though sometimes he could be more annoying than Sam's brother.

"You okay Sammy? I wasn't trying to be rude or anything. Your hair looks great really." Gabriel said a little more softly catching sight of Sam's eyes- still sore and red from crying. Sam waved him off.

"It's nothing Gabe. Seriously, let it go. Are you working two shifts tonight or has Luce finally decided to stop using you to cover for him?" Sam asked changing the subject. Gabriel's family was much more interesting and the coffee shop they owned was definitely the go-to place for college kids. That's where Gabriel and Sam met to begin with too. Gabriel's older brothers always had him working double shifts and he was good company when Sam had to pull an all-nighter to study. Gabriel had found out that Sam was struggling with his bills and debating dropping out of college and had made the offer Sam go fifty-fifty with him, insisting that his family was filthy rich for inventing some new coffee gizmo and he could help out if necessary.

Gabriel was the opposite of Sam in nearly every way. He was good natured, fun loving, and kind. He could see good in everyone and had a gift of making even Sam laugh if he really wanted. Sam felt like maybe if he stayed around Gabriel long enough some of the goodness he radiated without even trying might rub off on him and help heal his tainted soul.

Gabriel snorted but slipped past Sam into the bathroom anyway. "You know the answer to that one Samwich. Luce is the freaking devil sometimes I swear. But I got Michael to swear up, down, and sideways that I'll have tomorrow off. So we can go to that art festival thing that you were so excited about." He called through the door as the water started and Sam rolled his eyes looking at the floor trying not to picture Gabriel in the shower. Sam had always known he had a preference for men over women but… He was afraid of failing his father even more than he already had. John Winchester was a devoted Christian man and Sam never asked his thoughts on the matter but he wasn't willing to test it either. He had enough scars without having to add a slash for loving Gabriel too.

Sam pressed his thumb against one of his cuts at that thought and took a deep breath. "I'm heading out. I'll see you during your break okay?" He called and his lips broke into a small smile as Gabriel started to sing knowing the jerk had heard him.

The rest of the night passed in a blur as Sam worked his shift at the local bar then stopped in during Gabriel's break to keep him company. Gabriel seemed more excited about the art festival then Sam had been and it confused Sam.

"Why are you so excited to go? I mean Monet doesn't seem like something you'd be interested in." Sam asked sipping his simple black coffee while Gabriel had something layered with whipped cream, caramel and chocolate sauce, and marshmallows. Gabriel smirked but a bit of a blush tinted his cheeks.

"Are you kidding? I love money! Doesn't everyone? Plus… I get to drag your moping ass all over and see you smile. I mean how the hell do you have dimples! And did I mention I like your hair?" Gabriel said and Sam blinked realizing what he was saying.

"You… Like me? Like-like me?" Sam said and Gabriel snorted rolling his eyes.

"What is this? Grade school? Yes, I like-like you, Sam. Is that a problem? Because I was getting the impression you like-liked me too." He said fluttering his lashes at Sam making Sam laugh. The whole situation was too much.

"I do… But I didn't think… I guess that's good then. And it's Monet, not money. He's a French painter." Sam said tipping Gabriel's drink up once he went to sip it making him get a face full of whip cream.

"Hey! Just because you're my boyfriend doesn't mean I won't prank you. Though that reminds me, what happened earlier? I didn't take you as the crying in the shower type but if something's up…" He said wiping the whipped cream off and searching Sam's face but Sam just shook his head.

"It's… Nothing. Really. Just life catching up to me. Don't worry about it." He insisted and Gabriel shrugged.

"Okay, I'm dropping it. I'm here if you wanna talk, though. I guess I should get back to work. See you later sunshine." He said with a wink and pecked Sam's cheek before sauntering off to the counter clock back in for his second shift. Sam chuckled and finished his coffee before heading home.

By the time he walked through the door the happiness he had felt with Gabriel had drained out of him and he was feeling depressed. He remembered what he thought earlier about loving Gabriel and sighed. He knew he had to shower again and change his bandages so he might as well add another slash now too.

He didn't bother shutting the bathroom door, this time, Gabriel wouldn't be home for another couple hours so there was no one to see him as he carefully pulled off the bandages staring at the pink lines on his flesh and the scars from previous cuts. He wasn't sure he remembered how he started, or when, but he thought it was just after he left for college. That meant there was at least three years worth of scars all over his body. It was one of the reasons he never had sex. That and he didn't deserve pleasure. Not from anyone.

He pulled out his razor from where he kept it hidden and added another cut next to the ones on his arm and was about to add another when a hand grabbed his and stopped him. He followed it up numbly until he met Gabriel's eyes confused.

"Luce decided to show up after all but I couldn't catch up with your moose legs. Sam… What the hell is going on here? You… You cut? Why?" Gabriel said kneeling so they were at eye level and gently easing the razor from Sam's hands as the tears started pouring down Sam's cheeks. He had no idea what to say. He had never thought he'd get caught before.

"Shh… Shh… Here… Let's clean you up. At least you seem to be prepared." Gabriel muttered softly seeing the hydrogen peroxide and bandages and using them to clean and bandage the wound. Sam was wondering why Gabriel was helping him when he expected yelling or disgust. He couldn't see anything in Gabriel's eyes like that.

"W-why? W-w-why aren't you disgusted with me? I'm a freak!" Sam sobbed and Gabriel sighed wiping away his tears gently with his thumb as he spoke.

"You're not a freak Sam. I don't know why you think you deserve this but that doesn't mean there isn't a reason. I… I am disgusted. But not by you. I'm disgusted that you were hurting like this and I never noticed. My mom… My dad was an alcoholic. I told you that. But my mom… She got really depressed. I didn't notice then either. I was only four, and she was good at hiding things. We didn't know until it was too late. Because nothing was enough. As the pain grew so did the number of scars she hid and it was an accident. Her hand slipped, no one was home. Luce had picked me up from preschool and brought me home and we found her… So I'm not disgusted with you. You have your reasons. But I'm not letting my boyfriend end up like that too and you're on lock down until you talk to me." Gabriel said sternly as he pulled Sam up toward the bedroom with a strength that was surprising for his tiny body.

Sam cried himself to sleep that night apologizing to Gabriel repeatedly, apologizing to Jo, and to Dean. He begged for his mother's forgiveness at one point and through all of it, Gabriel just laid with him and held him. It was more then Sam deserved and everything he was afraid of. When he woke up the next morning Gabriel's eyes were on his face.

"Are you ready to talk?" He asked his voice gentle but wary. Sam nodded rubbing his face and taking a deep breath before starting at the beginning with his mother's death. He told Gabriel everything. Every horrible thing he had ever done that made him deserving of pain and blood. By the end, he was crying again but Gabriel refused to let go.

"Sam. You are beautiful. I don't just mean your body either, though hot damn! No, you have a beautiful soul and I'm going to prove it to you. I just want a promise. Promise you'll tell me when you cut. I want to know so that way if… If something goes wrong I'm not going to loose you too." Gabriel insisted looking into Sam's eyes pleadingly and Sam nodded unable to deny him that comfort.

"Good. Now let's get ready to go. You owe me a date." Gabriel said releasing him and Sam frowned not sure why Gabriel wasn't threatening to hide his razor or get him medical help. His thoughts must have been clear on his face.

"What good would that do Samsquach? I'm not going to stop you. You promised to tell me when you cut and I'm going to trust that promise. Today you and I have a date. We'll take it one day at a time. Maybe I can show you why I don't think you should cut anymore… Maybe I can't. But either way, we're trying it like this for now, okay? So go shower, change, primp up your glorious mane of hair and let's see some fugly paintings." Gabriel said smiling at him and Sam snorted but did as he was instructed.

They had fun critiquing the paintings and they ended up falling asleep on the couch together after they got home. They had started a popcorn fight and watched a sappy movie Gabriel forced him into. He didn't cut that night.

The day after Gabriel had to go back to work and Sam was alone. He ended up cutting again but he sent Gabriel a text before and after remembering his promise and When Gabriel got back he ended up cuddling with Sam on his bed.

Things went like that for around a month. Then Gabriel decided he wanted to meet Dean. "He's your brother. You said he practically raised you. I wanna meet him. Please! I let you meet my family." Gabriel whined and Sam groaned.

"Fine. But… If he doesn't approve then we just never talk about it again." He finally agreed and arranged for his brother to meet him at Gabriel's family's coffee shop. It was one of the most terrifying nights of his life.

"Long time no see Sammy… How's college treating ya?" Dean asked as Sam slid into the booth across from him. Sam sighed rubbing a cut on his leg under the table.

"It's good. Just one more year and I'll have my degree. I… I, uh, missed you… I know 'no chick flick moments' but I had to say it." Sam said a bit sadly and Dean nudged his leg with his boot.

"Aww Samantha! I almost forgot what a girl you are! I missed you too bitch. Now where's this hottie you said I had to meet?" He asked and Sam blushed though his eyes narrowed not having mentioned anything about Gabriel, especially under the term hottie.

"I'm right here, Sammy insisted that I let him handle things but we both know who's really in charge of our relationship don't we?" Gabriel grinned with a smirk as Dean's jaw dropped.

"Gabe? You… You never told me you were dating my brother! What the hell man!" Dean spluttered and San frowned.

"Wait! You two know each other?" Sam said and Gabriel laughed.

"Yeah, Dean's dating Cas. You remember my blue eyed nerd brother? I didn't realize you two were brothers until he walked in, though. So he can't judge when he's gayer than you are!" Gabriel laughed while Dean blushed. The next few weeks Sam and Dean caught up and Dean even apologized for not contacting him sooner.

"I was mad at you for what happened to Jo. But I realized it wasn't your fault. She was the one that chose to get in that car and Ellen could have stopped her too. But she still ended up driving and maybe it was just time for her to go. I've accepted things and moved on." He said eyeing where Gabriel was trying to convince Cas to buy him a drink at the bar. Sam felt a sort of peace at Dean's words though he never admitted it. He lessened his cuts to only three for his parents and one for the crap he was putting Gabriel through.

Then sooner than he thought Christmas was there. "Come on Sammy. Dad can't say crap cause it's Bobby's place and I invited you. Please…" Dean pouted and Sam finally gave in dragging Gabriel half way across the country to spend Christmas with a close family friend Bobby. He had watch Sam and Dean whenever John had to work and was like a second father to the two of them.

"Dang boy, you really got tall since I've seen you last. Come on in… Who's your friend?" Bobby greeted them from his wheelchair. Sam introduced Gabriel and they all came in and fell into easy conversation and family bickering. It was easily turning out to be one of Sam's favorite Christmases… Until his father showed up.

"What are you doing here Sam? I thought I told you not to come back if you left?" John growled seeing Sam and before anyone else could say a word suddenly Gabriel was on his feet in between the two.

"Come off your high horse Johnny boy. He's your son. So he decided his education was more important than following you into the mechanic business, frick off! Sam is a certified genius and he's going to be the best damn lawyer in our state. Any other parent would be damn proud to have him as their son and I know I'm proud to have him as my boyfriend. So either drink some fricking eggnog and be merry or go screw yourself." Gabriel growled leaving everyone speechless but John eventually recovered.

"You have no right to tell me how to treat my son! He abandoned us to go do what he wanted and never said a damn word after! Now he suddenly wants to be family again? I wouldn't want him even if Mary were still alive!" John huffed and Sam had to grab Gabriel and drag him from the room to keep him from attacking his father. Once they were outside he finally released Gabriel who was cursing and growling like a pissed off cat.

"Gabe… It's okay-" Sam started but Gabriel stopped him before he could finish.

"No, it's not okay Sam. Your dad is an asshole. Bobby's fucking awesome but your dad is a doucher douche then a douche can douche! You could have died! Doesn't he realize that he should be happy that he even has a son to yell at? My dad was a stupid drunk and even he would have welcomed me home like the fucking prodigal! I… I hate that he made you feel so awful you feel you have to cut yourself for him. I hate that he can't see what a treasure you are! You're a fucking God! Any parent should be proud to have such a smart, successful, loving, handsome son like you! I mean I'm the one who gonna be stuck in a coffee shop all my life while you become a hot shot lawyer! Then you'll realize that I'm just holding you back and… And… And I want you to be happy… I…" And Gabriel started to cry leaving Sam completely in shock.

"Gabriel… Don't cry. I'm the mentally unstable one here. Screw my dad. Why do I need his approval when I have you? You cared about me before I even cared about myself. You helped me patch things up with Dean and you make me laugh and smile and I'm nothing without you. I wouldn't want to do anything without you by my side to insult my brother and try to poison me with your sweet concoctions. You're the one that encourages me to push harder and tells me that I'm not some mistake. So don't ever think like that." Sam said pulling Gabriel close and hugging him tightly.

When they were both calm enough to go back in they found John was gone and Cas sitting in Dean's lap obviously drunk if his giggles were anything to go by.

"Bobby threw dad out and I told him if he can't accept you then he can't accept me. We're gonna open presents once you and Gabriel are drunk enough." Dean said slurring his words a little making Sam laugh. The rest of the holidays went by without a hitch. Ten minutes until New Years Sam handed Gabriel a present nervously.

"What's this? We're not supposed to give presents on New Years Sam. Unless you forgot a Christmas gift?" Gabriel said raising an eyebrow at him but Sam just gestured for him to open it.

Gabriel unwrapped the gift recognizing it and looked at the razor with confusion while Sam bit his lip. "I… I just realized that… I don't need it anymore… But, I couldn't bring myself to just throw it away either so I was hoping you could do that for me… Since your the one that helped me through it." Sam said almost shyly and Gabriel's eyes widened when he realized that Sam hadn't cut since before Christmas.

"Are you sure? It's only been a two weeks… I don't want you to hurt," Gabriel said and Sam shook his head pulling out a different box and getting down on one knee.

"I know it's not my fault anymore. I have people who love me and I can't stand seeing you hurting because of it anymore. You matter more. That's why I want you to have this too. It's my mother's engagement ring. Gabriel, will you marry- oomph!" Sam was cut off as Gabriel dropped the razor on the table and tackled him kissing him before he could even finish and knocking them both onto the floor.

"Yes! Hells yes! I'll marry you!" Gabriel cheered excitedly making Sam laugh as he slid the ring onto Gabriel's finger.

"You didn't even let me finish! Way to ruin a romantic moment goof ball!" Sam complained but Gabriel just nuzzled into his neck as the fireworks started going off outside.

"You're a stupid romantic. I love you, Sammy. Thank you. For both gifts." Gabriel whispered and Sam smiled. It was Gabriel who had given him the true gifts: his love, and the strength to move on from his past.


End file.
